Children of the class of 1999...

...use bum cream. Or lubricant as it is more commonly known. I know what you are thinking, there is no time for lubricant, let me tell you, there is always time for lubricant. I realise that is an irregular start to my regular blog. I was listening to the Baz Luhman "classic" Sunscreen recently and it made me look back at photos of myself and realise how much possibility laid before me and how fabulous I really looked. I was not as fat as I imagined. Speaking of fat, it's slowly coming off. A week of having the runs will do that. I recommend sickness as an effective method of losing weight, plus it simultaneously increases the profitability of the air freshener industry, one that has seen a decline in recent years. Just kidding...air fresheners have been booming for years.

Larks aside I have been feeling pretty nostalgic of late, I remember when I used to really be in to nostalgia (that's a little one) just looking back at old pictures of myself it makes me aware that I probably have a bad rep for taking cameras just about everywhere I go (you should see the pics that don't make it to facebook!) but now it pays off. Every picture holds a memory and I am instantly transported back to "happier times" Yeah I view those memories with rose tinted glasses, the luxury of the passage of time, but going through I see smiles on a lot of faces and when I finally die I just want to think that I made a few people smile along the way. After all, once you are gone you only really live on in the memories of those people whose lives touched. Not that it matters I am living to 100 and going to celebrate cricketer style!

So I have assignments due in spades in the next few months, but I am coming closer and closer to the end game. Absolutely loving writing at the moment, not the essays, but the creative stuff. Working on a story about an autistic kid with ADHD, it is hopefully going to be a comedy. So I might post it up here when it is finished. I have tons of stories I could post on here actually, might pop one up next week, what's the worst that could happen? Well I suppose the very worst that could happen is that I broke my right wrist and my balls get so massive they pop. Yep, that would be the very worst thing that could happen, either that or West Ham could lose when I go to see them. I think I would choose the wrist and ball combo, less emotionally draining.

I think it is important when you are blogging to touch on current affairs. I love the fact that people are pretending they really give a crap about Whitney Houston. I don't. I think I’d be more bothered if the guy who does the voice over for E4 died. (I love that guy) Whilst it is a bit crass to talk ill of the dead she was pretty dire wasn't she? Maybe I am not her target audience, because I have a Y chromosome, oh yeah and ears, two of them. I generally don’t give a crap when celebs die, most of them piss me off anyway. I don’t give two figs about the Kerry Catona’s and Katie Price’s of this world and I am becoming less tolerant of wanky celebrity nobodies. Their antics bore me .I think if I am being truly analytical I would realise that the notion of celebrity reviles me so much because I relate to the desperate need for popularity. At some point in my life I am going to stop giving a crap about people liking me. I can’t wait, because being nice all the time is a mugs game. I guess it is important if you leave your house, you know, socially, but I don’t really. It’s just exhausting being nice, so bollocks to the lot of you! No not you, I like you, please keep reading…Love me!!!

Dudes can multitask. I can have a poo at the same time as reading the paper, I don't always mean too though

After my previously gloomy effort I decided I’d open with something a bit jovial. I got as far as the title before realising I’m a miserable so and so. Ah well! I am trying to disprove the theory that men can't multitask by moderating folders, listening to my audiobook (therefore doing coursework.) and playing football manager all in tandem. I am really putting in a shift at the moment and I love it. I don't have time to feel bad about anything. I'm finally in work mode and that is a real positive. I am just gonna go flat out for the next few months and then crash at the end: either a massive winner or a huge failure. Here's hoping for the former.



On the subject of failure my team epically failed last night getting a whupping 5-1 from the tractor boys. Much to the delight of Jon "silent bob" Waterworth. Well he may be smug now, but I really hope that Liverpool don't come a cropper in the league cup (you know the one that Liverpool take seriously, but all the big teams play their reserves?) if they do I will be there and everywhere you turn big man, everywhere you turn, will be a poster of the score. You best keep a hold of that interactive whiteboard JW, ‘cos there will be a massive score line written on it. You just watch... By the way, what was the score last time West Ham played Liverpool? :) Now bugger off, if you send me another smug email I am reporting you for cyber bullying you dipshit (so underused!)



But now on to the subject of winning. For those of you who follow wrestling and more specifically the WWE, this past weekend was the royal rumble and the event was whelming (neither under, or overwhelming) but the rumble match itself and for those of you who don't follow wrestling it is a match where wrestlers enter the ring every couple of minutes and are eliminated by being chucked over the top rope. Well this year’s effort was just a bit special. My favourite wrestler of all time, the hard-core legend Mick Foley, was in the rumble. Chris Jericho returned, Road Dogg returned. Hell even hacksaw Jim Duggan made a brief appearance. The final two were Chris Jericho who had recently re-debuted to massive hype, facing off against Seamus on the crest of a wave of momentum. It genuinely could have gone either way, I was a tad disappointed Jericho lost, but am kind of pleased to see a British wrestler earning a place in the main event at the world’s greatest wrestling show...wrestlemania.



By the way, I have been looking at a potential new vocation recently. I really enjoy teaching, but education is so turbulent and the conservative/(liberal?) coalition are making my job less and less enjoyable be the minute. I understand and agree that the situation regarding vocational qualifications had become ridiculous, but it is frustrating when a school uses a really good qualification, in the proper manner to see that qualification devalued in terms of credit towards league tables and even though it maintains its level 2 status, that won't do anything to maintain its overall reputation. I blame schools that played the system. Well those schools will reap what they sew as their scores will nosedive come 2014. In the meantime good schools that have been doing the right things for their students are being made to suffer. It makes me angry.



Anyway, that is the rant over. Anyone got any suggestions for a new career? I want to do something creative and that takes advantage of my soon to be had degree. (Literature – no, really!) I wouldn't mind something that requires me to write. I love writing for an audience, but at the same time I do need to make a decent wage. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Unfortunately I can’t become a gigolo (or a bro-hoe if you prefer) because I have a tiny Penis and am not very good at using it. It is the same problem that kept me out of the porn industry. Finding that out ruined my 14^th birthday.