Life sucks, pretty much full time

I am beginning to really doubt the existence of Karma. I used believe in it, but now my faith is someone what shaken due to all the really shitty things happening to some really decent people. For starters my younger brother whose old man is in a bad state in the hospital, right on the back of having his long term girlfriend in hospital too. Can't the poor kid catch a break? I guess not. Then there is my lovely next door neighbour whose partner and father to her child was in a horrific accident where he was hit by a van whilst cycling and has had to have a coma induced. It's tremendously sad. It really is. And kind of puts things in to perspective...



...or at least it should. But as human beings, all but the very best of us, seem to have a way of still managing to feel angsty and pissed off even when by comparison our lives are sweet as a nut (which is one of the stupidest phrases ever, nuts are clearly savoury!) I am talking about a specific thing: I should own a house right about now. The repayments would be the same as I’m paying in rent. Plus I’m thirty years old and have an income I never dared dream of as a youngster. But as soon as it looks like I’m making progress things always seem to go tits up (another strange one, why are tits going up a bad thing? What are they going up?) Mr Mortgage broker (rightfully) pointed out that at least a year's saving is in order to get a deposit. Which on the brightside means that I have a year to either convince my boss that I’m worth a permanent contract (quite why I’m still temporary is beyond me) but on the flip side means that any pattering of tiny feet in the next year will mean that an angry squirrel has somehow broke in to our flat and that really pisses me off ('cos I hate squirrels)



I'm not the most patient of guys, I never have been, but everything just seems so far away at the moment. Even my degree being finished is still almost half a year away. It is wrong to wish your life away, but every day is a struggle at the moment. I have become so lethargic. I cannot focus on coursework what-so-ever at a point when my effort should be doubled. I am just stuck in perpetual first gear. Dawn is an absolute star, but not even she can drag me out of this state of apathy. When put in contrast with the problems of others at the moment, this means nothing, but problems are relative aren’t they? George Lucas probably gets miserable that he isn't the movie making genius he once was. Bill Gates might have all the money in the world, but he still has to look at that face in the mirror every morning. On the other end of that scale you have people in third world countries starving, people born into absolute poverty and homelessness and perhaps the worst afflictions of all being a Millwall fan or living in Plymouth.



Jokes aside though, I hope that the hospitalised folks all get better and give some much needed respite to their respective loved ones. I can't help but feel slightly shameful battling my personal financial demons whilst good people battle for their health. Hopefully God, or science or whatever force controls the universe (probably not karma) is on their side. It can sort me out in a couple of months.
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